jffe.

Sitting on that streetcar, you wondered why it all went down the way it did.

You sit in the stained, maroon seat and take a deep breath, inhaling the cool air with its hint of cigarette smoke and car exhaust. It fills your lungs, cold and dirty.

It’s so different from the smell of Irish Spring, that light green soap that lay scattered in boxes all over his bedroom floor. You remember how he told you about his mother, and how she had bought it in bulk, after he had mentioned how much he loved it.

The next stop is yours, and you stand up to yank on the cord. As the streetcar screeches to a halt, you almost stumble, but catch yourself on a handrail. Stepping down off the stairs and into the night air, you start the eight minute walk back to your house.

As you walk past silent street by silent street, the first raindrops begin to fall. They tap on the shoulders of your jacket, and you pull your tuque down over your ears, wondering why, in winter, it’s liquid dropping out of the sky instead of beautiful, fragile snow.

You remember the last time you can remember it raining. Walking down Dundas, his baseball cap pulled down over your mess of hair, keeping you dry. Taking in breath after breath you can recall what his hat smelled like, sweat and boy and just a hint of Irish Spring.

Walking along in the rain, you hunched over, damp and miserable. Looking up, you saw him shaking his head and smiling that crooked smile. Deep in your chest that feeling grew just a little more, and you silently begged those above the clouds to change things- to give you just one day.

But the arm never came down around your shoulders, never held you against his chest and warmed you up from the inside out. The distance between the two of you never shortened, and his hat kept the rain off of your head but didn’t do a thing for the rest of you.

All of the walks, and the talks, and the listening, you stuck with it. On the living room wall of your head, right above the fireplace, you hung a picture of the two of you, together. But you were the best friend, and you were good at what you did.

That’s all you were. JFFE. Just Friends For Ever.